Also available in poster form and jacket form:

Modern Toss Periodic Table of Swearing Jacket

http://textsfrombennett.tumblr.com/

Thanks the Rock, who likes the idea that “Staten Island, now isolated, will become as accessible as Brooklyn.”

I am a bit more turned on by the phrase “lineal miles for new wharves” but it’s a tantalizing idea either way.

“When I get older, I will be stronger…”

Show of hands, who knows this commercial? Ok, a couple. Me, when I saw it I was at first reminded of one of my all-time favorite YouTube clips:

Yeah, I know, this Applegirl is Asian but playing on iPhones, and the “When I get older” girl is on a piano. Trust me, my confusion only gets worse before it gets better. If anything it speaks to my eternal awe of Applegirl. I still find that clip just amazing.

The “When I get older” girl has just a few seconds of a commercial; her moment comes and goes and you’re like “that was nice, what was it?”

When I looked at Applegirl I realized instantly that no, it was not Applegirl singing “when I get older…” Which, let’s face it, sounded very familiar. Here’s, sort of, the rub:

The phone being advertised is made by a company called HTC. I didn’t know HTC and still don’t, but let’s just say that googling “verizon when I get older” and “at&t when I get older” wasn’t getting me anywhere. HTC makes, I guess, super-souped-up phones, and someday we will all have HTC phones instead of brains and frankly (if this blog post is any guide) be much better off.

But “When I get older…” what was that? Well a quick search revealed it was this:

Damn, I knew I knew that song!!! World Cup 2010, yo!!! Except… I thought World Cup 2010 yo was by Matisyahu. No, that’s this song, which was affiliated with the World Cup but not the official song:

No doubt, side-by-side, they are different songs. But their inspirational message is so damn similarly awesome. Really I do like both songs a lot. But you know that moment you had when you realized Michael Cera and Jesse Eisenberg weren’t the same actor? I had that moment — I was like, I like you both, but I just thought you were the same. You’re still good actors, but your batting average just went down.

Yes, yes, but what happened to the Asian girl in the HTC commercial? Well her name, as it turns out, is Maria Aragon; she is Filipino from Canada. Here she is doing Wavin’ Flag:

But why? Why is this video of her doing “Wavin’ Flag” deserving of a big-ass commercial for HTC? It’s got less than a million YouTube views — peanuts for the so-called “next sensation.” I call bullshit.

Oh, but her cover of “Born this Way” has 36 million views. So… yeah, that’s valid. I un-call bullshit:

Here’s the original commercial, btw:

Wait, what if it wasn't Photoshopped?

Well it’s a little complicated—see, a guy posted this cop/bondage picture today while Cooper was on site in devastated Joplin, Missouri; someone tweeted that “the @andersoncooper shot is #photoshopped.” Cooper, thinking (I presume) the guy was implying that images of destruction in Joplin were (for some reason) manipulated shot back “You are a Moron.”

Likely all a big misunderstanding, and explained in more detail at Gawker. But I do like it when Anderson’s claws come out, and I would like to see him drop the M-bomb on some idiot on live TV.

Extremely… interesting. I may smirk at Ireland for its Catholic repression, but I don’t imagine I’ll see anything like this on construction-site walls in NYC.

One to grow on: Irish sex workers are really cute!

Damn it feels good to be a privileged Saudi teenager.

Answer here.

Here’s a business card distributed by a plastic surgeon; it has two holes and some stretchy rubber — put your fingers through the back and her breasts swell unnaturally before your very eyes! Brilliant.

Copyranter: Female plastic surgeon’s fake boobs business card.

That reminds me — my humanitarian work for Playboy.com has moved to Playboy’s tamer site, TheSmokingJacket.com — here’s my archive:

The Smoking Jacket: Girlwatcher archive

This is awesome: Man Robs Long Island Bank Wearing Darth Vader Mask. Actually he was also wearing the cape and breast plate — looks like he was about 2/3 fully ‘Vadered. I just wish I knew what he said to the teller. Was it the basic “Gimme all the money” or did he put on a James Earl Jones voice and say something silly like “Luke, I am your bank robber…”

Awesome. Oh, yeah, stealing is wrong.

The sane reaction to, and best defense against, this whole story is laughter. Turn a “scandal” into a “sandal” and the chuckles just come that much easier.